


A reconciliation

by Buggirl



Series: Ciara and Thom [1]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-05 03:38:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3104147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buggirl/pseuds/Buggirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ciara Adaar seeks advice on the wisdom of her judgement from the unlikeliest of companions, Sera, the disagreeable elf.  Has Ciara's made a terrible mistake about the man she knows as Warden Blackwall?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A reconciliation

**Author's Note:**

> I love the Blackwall romance in DA:I except for this one thing – how rushed the reconciliation with the inquisitor feels if you let him atone or go to the wardens. Kissing him whilst still in chains? My only ‘Bioware really?’ moment in the whole romance. I get the feeling they dropped the ball towards the end (and I have my theories on this but I won’t air them here). I think the judgement scene should be for the inquisition and separate to the romance. The inquisition forgives Thom Rainier, but does the inquisitor personally forgive such a betrayal of trust? As I picture it, reconciliation of the relationship should come after – to give the inquisitor space to think through things. So this is how imagined how it would go down. Excuse the lack of editing and such I had this in my head for a few days and had to get it down on paper ASAP. Longer work will likely be edited.

This was not the plan.  This was unexpected, this anchor, this supposed message from Andraste.  _This responsibility._  


Ciara looked out from the balcony onto the ramparts of Skyhold below and for the first time in a long time tears welled in her amber eyes.  She held them back tightly.  Qunari were made of sterner stuff, she was made of sterner stuff, from her toes to the tip of her horns.  But this, it was the last straw, this last judgement had taken a personal toll on her, everything that she had taken on and appeared to have shouldered with no sense of burden began to weigh heavily. 

She sat down with her back to the glass window and looked up to the sky.  The stone balcony was cold against her but she didn’t mind.  The wisps of clouds against the sun lit pink sky swirled like dancers at an Orlesian ball. 

_“The decision of what to do with him, is now yours…”  Josephine’s words were sorrowful._

Then the tears fell, she could no longer hold back.

That was two weeks ago and still Ciara couldn’t think of facing him or even consider talking about the judgement with anyone else.  The last 5 days had involved an extended trip away from Skyhold.  A trip with Solas, Dorian and Cass to the Exalted Plains had allowed her to occupy both her body and mind.  She had taken more hits than normal including one that had toppled her from a low level rampart on to her shoulder.  Nothing broken or dislocated but it ached enough to trouble her sleep.  They would face a tougher enemy and whilst she trusted Cass with her life, having her other more unstoppable shield and sword warrior by her side was what she really needed.

She sat at her desk, contemplating her next move.  “One more day.”  She said aloud.  She was tired and her shoulder ached but decided what she needed was a walk on the ramparts.  She crossed the courtyard, Cass was building up a sweat with some poor soldier and didn’t even notice her passing.

 “Good evening, your worship.”  A passing soldier addressed her.

The corner of her mouth lifted into a part smile, being spoken to with such deference, especially by humans, was still something she thought of as strange.

Her walk took her through several towers including Cullen’s where she made a curt passing acknowledgement.  She stopped at the ramparts above the courtyard near the stable and looked down.  Shaking her head at how pathetic she felt.  “One more day.”  She said again and turned back to Cullen’s tower.

Cullen looked surprised to see her again.  “Inquisitor?  Can I help you?”

“Possibly.  I have… no it doesn’t matter.”  Ciara walked out before Cullen could reply.

She thought she needed a drink and headed to the tavern and to the only person she knew wouldn’t judge her.  The tavern was bustling and the bard was singing a lively tune.  Iron Bull sat in his usual spot talking with some of the Chargers.  Ciara slipped by and up the stairs where she found Sera busily scrawling in a large scrap book and muttering under breath.

“Hello, Sera.”

Sera, startled by the intrusion, looked up with a scowl on her face that quickly morphed into a smile.  “Haa oh it’s you.  Hello you.  Come to have a chat and look at all the sorry bastards drinking alone downstairs?”

“To have a chat maybe.  Right now I feel like one of the sorry bastards.”

“Oh you’ve come to talk about broody beardy have you?  I was wondering about that.”

Ciara laughed and sat down next to her.  “Well, I guess I have.”

“If you ask me they’re all self-righteous hypocrites  ‘ooohh and ahhhh’ can’t believe the inky did that.”  She pronounced and slammed the book closed

“Hypocrites?  What do you mean?”  Ciara asked puzzled.

“Your war table, you must have a few dodgy missions on there.  Shut the bard up, ruin the reputation of x, y z.  Your scary redhead spymaster just wanting to eliminate all opposition.  Hypocrites.”

“I guess…”

Sera stood up.  “No, no ‘I guess’.  This mob, done far worse I’m sure.  How many mages has Cullen had to ‘put down’ even though, yeah, abominations and all that.  How many people has Leliana killed as a spy, how many reputations does the good Lady Josie have to ruin?  Your companions are no better.  Not even me.  None of us here are innocents, even if we do it for coin, just cos we do it upfront doesn’t make us better you know.  See?”

Ciara was surprised at Sera’s defence.  “I can see that you’ve held that in for a couple of weeks.  Sera, it’s my problem I think they see it a little differently.”

“Of course they bloody would.  Greater good this, greater good that, it’s no different they just think they’re being noble about it.  Pffft.  Hypocrites, the lot of them.”  Sera stood and crossed her arms.

“In some respect, maybe you’re right.  I feel like an idiot for asking but, did I do the right thing, Sera?  I just want one person who might agree that I did, that’s all I want.”  Ciara bowed her head.  Of all the people to ask that question of, she never thought it would be Sera.

Sera sat down again and bobbed her head under Ciara’s.  “You love him right?”

Ciara nodded.

“And what he did was a long time ago, right?”

Ciara nodded again.

“And he was trying for like what almost 10 years to do the right thing.  Plus the wardens they were to take him in. If Blackwall, the real one that is, not Thom the Orlesian army prince, didn’t die, he’d be a warden now and likely a bloody hero.  It’s completely daft.”

“I can’t shake…”

“The personal betrayal and lying thing though.”  Sera finished Ciara’s sentence.

“Wow, yeah, pretty much that.”

“Look at it this way.  You tell him he’s a daft git for trying to ‘protect you’ or tell him he’s an idiot for not telling you if you thought you might judge him…” Sera laughed.  “Cos you totally had to judge him right?  In the end that is.  Judge him.  What a daft beardy git.  So what did you say to him?”

“Hmm well, nothing as yet.”

“What?  Two weeks and you haven’t spoken to him?  I know he’s been hiding from everyone.  But you seem to be the one hiding from him.”

“I…” Ciara couldn’t fault the truth in that statement.

Sera twitched her head from side to side.  “Evening is young, Inky.  Broody beardy types are good company I hear if you like that sort of thing.  Ugh as long as you don’t do the thing though.  Oh no, picture in my head.”

Ciara shook her head.  “Maybe tomorrow.”

“Chicken.”

“You calling me chicken?  Didn’t I face down an evil magister come darkspawn come... whatever?”  Ciara replied her tone mocking Sera’s accent.

Sera elbowed her.  “Sad git.”

“Tomorrow.  I promise.”  Ciara said standing.

“Haa you don’t have to promise anything to me.  You’re only lying to yourself about it.  And hey?  Hasn’t their been enough lying?”

“Good night, Sera.”

“Good night, Inky git.”  She laughed.

Ciara was half way down the stairs when she heard Sera yell ‘Inky git’ again and laughing like a maniac.  She smiled, well at least Sera had some home truths, if not sage advice.

The following day Ciara woke feeling somewhat refreshed, her shoulder still ached but she was annoyed at the thought of having to see a healer again.  Talking with Sera had helped more than she thought.  Today was the day.  She needed to deal with the issue before it began to fester.  She needed to know what the hell he was thinking.  What was going on in his mind when he decided to keep up the pretence of being a warden, of lying to the inquisition and to her.  A feeling of panic washed over her, what if his love had been a lie too?  She shook her head, _One thing at a time Ciara._

The day needed organising first.  War table missions needed reporting on and new ones initiated.  She had toyed with the idea of heading out to the Emerald Graves, but the idea of fossicking around in the forest wasn’t appealing, she rubbed her shoulder.  She needed to speak with the smith and with Dagna too.  Solas had asked for afternoon tea and she couldn’t very well say no.  The day quickly filled with other activities.  Come early evening, she couldn’t avoid it any more.  She called a foot soldier to her apartment.

“Can you ask Ward…” She stopped and closed her eyes and sighed.  “Can you ask Ser Blackwall to come to my apartment please.”

“Right away, Inquisitor.”  The soldier departed.

Ciara paced nervously around the room only stopping when she heard footsteps on the stair.

He came in, his hands folding and unfolding in front of him a worried look in his eyes.  “You asked to see me, Lady Adaar?”

“What do I call you?”  Ciara said harshly.

“I’ve lived the good part of the last 10 years as Blackwall.  I’d don’t know how to be Thom Rainier anymore.  I don’t want to be him ever again.  I want to do right by him and the wardens.”  He replied.

Ciara felt the sincerity in his voice and immediately regretted her harsh first words.

“Well then, Ser Blackwall it shall continue to be, if you choose.”

“I do, my Lady.”

Ciara stood, shuffling her feet back and forth.

“Is there anything else my Lady?”  Blackwall said puzzled.

Ciara’s gut churned.  “No.”  She shook her head.

“I’ll take my leave then.”  Blackwall bowed and headed towards the stair well but turned back before the first step down.  “I didn’t want to lie to you.”

Ciara bowed her head and sighed, the tears she had shed less than 2 weeks ago threatened to return.  She shook her head, and her demeanour become steely once again.  “Then why did you?”

Blackwall walked over to her, “Lady Adaar, I know that the inquisition has pardoned me, but I understand if you haven’t.”

“I just want to know why you didn’t tell me.”  Ciara bit her lip hard.  She wasn’t sure that what he would tell her would be something she wanted to hear.

“I’m a selfish man, Lady Adaar.  Ten years in the wilderness didn’t beat that completely out of me.  I have so much of it I don’t think a lifetime will ever get rid of it.  Call it one last selfish act.” He shifted from side to side as he spoke.

“To leave me alone, not knowing.  You should have told me.” 

“You would have tried to stop me.”  He replied

“Maybe, maybe not.”  Ciara felt anger stirring and a heat rising to her cheeks.  “You could have at least had the decency to tell me that I meant nothing to you.”

Blackwall’s mouth opened and shut but before he could speak Ciara began to pace, her hands fidgeting in front of her “… that you wanted me for your own selfish desires, then to toss me away.”

“No!” Blackwall’s bark stopped Ciara in her tracks.  “When I said it was a selfish act it was because…”

Ciara lifted her hands in frustration “Because… because what?”

“To see the face of my love, happy in my arms, content, beautiful and smiling.  You were the only good thing that had, that has, happened to me in a long time and it was the last thing I wanted to remember from my life before I went to my death.”  It was his turn to pace as Ciara remained rooted to the spot.  “I always knew that my past would catch up with me, I came to the inquisition because of what it stands for and I knew I could help, warden or not.  I stayed because of you.  I wanted to be the good man you think I am.  When I realised I that the only way I could be that man was to leave, I left.  Yes it was selfish but I wanted to leave with the memory of you, the smell of you on my clothes, the thought of your love made the idea of death meaningless…” He sighed.  “You think ill of me, and that, I can understand, but know that I never stopped loving you.  Even now, when I know there is no hope of that love ever being returned.”

Ciara blinked, and once again could not stop the tears from falling.  She put her hand to her mouth to stifle a sob before turning her head away from him.

Blackwall remained silent.  Only when Ciara’s sobs subsided did he move towards her and speak.  “I’m sorry, I am truly wretched.  There are a lot of things I should have done, my Lady.  But I didn’t, I deserve all the condemnation that those around you now currently lie at my feet.  I don’t deserve any less.  I told you I wasn’t worthy of you, even more so now you know the truth.  I deserve nothing from you but scorn and loathing.”

Blackwall and Ciara stood close enough to touch but denying each other the comfort that was needed.  “No, no it doesn’t work like that.”  Ciara said wiping away tears with the back of her hand.

“What do you mean?”  He asked gently.

“I mean, you don’t get to dictate to me what or who I deem worthy.  I don’t give my respect lightly and I saw enough of good man in you to hold you to that standard.  I still see that man, otherwise you’d still be in Val Royeaux.”  She stifled another sob as she spoke.

“My lady…”

“You are a good man, Ser Blackwall, and even though you are not the man you claimed to be, you have shown me a loyalty that can’t be denied.  The inquisition needs good men and women to fight Corypheus.”

“And what does Lady Adaar need?”  He asked. 

Ciara could feel a tenderness in his voice.  “I can’t refute that this whole thing hasn’t shaken me.  Leadership… hasn’t come naturally.  This whole thing has created a crisis of confidence that I’d been in denial about since we left Haven.  I can see that now.  I have advisors and loyal companions, I shouldn’t need anything.”  She wiped the remnants of tears from her cheeks. 

“Yet you do.”  He said softly.

Ciara nodded.  “Obviously, or I wouldn’t be crying like an spoilt child who’s dessert was denied to them.”

“Unconditional devotion.  Loyalty.  I can provide all these.  If my Lady requires it.”

Ciara nodded, “I do.”

Blackwall looked down at their hands, their fingers now entwined tightly with one another.

“I don’t know what to say, my Lady.”

“Say my name and say that you love me again.” 

“Ciara, I love you.”


End file.
